My Last Day of Sales
I couldn’t sleep; nope I couldn’t sleep a wink.
I awoke to the sound of a dim scratchy beep.
I couldn’t believe the time, but I had to get some gas.
It was my final work day working AT&T at last!
I ran down the stairs and jumped into my car.
I bolted out the driveway, but not very far.
I left my backpack at the house and had to get it fast.
I was late for my final work day working AT&T at last!
The day breezed by, I didn’t realize the time.
I handed in my key and cancelled my employee phone line.
I said my goodbyes and reminisced about the past.
I walked out of my final work day working AT&T at last!
My time at the company was enjoyable. I learned tons about my life and how to handle much responsibility. I learned and improved skill sets that I was lacking a couple years ago. Thanks to all the friends who listened to me gripe and complain and contemplate my years at the major cell phone provider. I know it is time to move on, and look forward to what is in my future at Southeastern University.
I need to go. Breakfast is ready!

Grace and Peace,
Josh

My eyes are a bit watery. I don't know if this is because I am sad or if it because it is 3 AM and I have yet to acrue enough hours to consider what I just did "sleep." There is a bench on lake hollingsworth halfway between Florida Southern Campus and Lake Hollingsworth Apartments that I will sometimes go for peace and solitude. Tonight, however, I decided to sit on the (what seems to be public) dock next to it. The moon is so bright, and the light breeze over the water makes the reflection distort and shimmer. It is a lovely sight. It almost looked like an arrow or finger stretched out toward me and calling me to remember what really matters. I remembered all of my friends who are in need of a miracle in their lives. I remembered their stories of struggle and desperation. I then paused to pray for them. 

"God, forgive me because sometimes I am so selfish that I forget them and their stories. Their hope is my hope. My hope is their hope. Emerse them with peace and balance. Comfort them with Your love and the love of their closest friends. May they rejoice in their time of struggle despite the tears of desperation. I pray they don't pick up destructive means of release, but instead lead them to a constructive habit. Help me to play my role in their lives rightly with patience and peace. Amen."

There are clouds passing over the moon now. I think I've figure out why I can't sleep. It was those terrible chicken wings from Zaxby's I ate tonight. I guess that is my cue to get out of here and back to the apt.

Grace and Peace,
Josh

I can’t remember the last time I shared a funny story about what is going on in my life. So here we go!

I decided to make eggnog from scratch for the Access Thanksgiving Bash since I was planning on being a couple hours late. The idea was well conceived: I had a dozen eggs, half gallon of milk, and heavy whipping cream. It wasn’t, however, well thought out. I spent that Thursday morning warming up the eggs and half of the half gallon of milk in a 4-quart pot. I did not think to look for nutmeg, a vital ingredient in the eggnog making process. I figured I would pick some up after work and add it later. This didn’t add the depth of nutmeg flavor I was looking for, but it was subtle enough to be appreciated. I got off work very early, and made a run for Publix for the missing ingredients then my apartment to finish assembling the masterpiece. First I added the nutmeg to the chilled egg/milk concoction then I needed to whip up some fresh whipped cream from the heavy whipping cream. I did not, however, have an electric mixer; I beat that cream by hand with a whisk . . . it was pretty intense. After a few minutes of beating the “ing” out of this whipping cream it was whipped, and I added it to the eggnog to top it all off. One thing I didn’t quite think out was transportation. How would I move the bowl of eggnog to the coffee shop down the street? My car of course! Not the best idea ever. About a quarter of the nog found its way into the crack of the back seat of my car. I also thought to myself, “Self, if nobody drinks this experiment how will it stay cool and not kill anybody.” I called my buddy Pete to pick up some ice cream to dump into the eggnog and keep it cool. All seemed to be working out alright (minus the mishap in the back seat of my car). I showed up late to the bash and was greeted by many awesome folks. I laid my drink down at the dessert table and started to make my way around the room greeting all my friends at their respective tables. Pete finally showed up with a pint of ice cream, and we both went to check out the status of my mix. It was gone! People figured out what in the world that odd looking bowl with whipped cream was and drank the whole thing before I could add the ice cream to it. I was stunned, shocked, surprised and pleased. I ended up giving the pint of ice cream to a couple as they left the feast.

Unfortunately, the story is not over. My previous attempt to clean the back seat of my car was not enough to actually “clean” the eggnog. Within a few days the mixture of rotten egg, spoiled milk and whipped cream went sour big time. I picked up some stain remover that was labeled to work on upholstery from the same Publix I got the nutmeg from. That stuff didn’t work one bit. I was now driving everywhere with my windows down and still trying not to gag on the smell of death emitting from the crack of the back seat of my car. I met my buddy Andrew at Lake Miriam Starbucks to think of a way to get that smell out, so we proceeded to a car wash down the street to shampoo and vacuum that mess out. He was kind enough to take care of the whole seat and did a great job getting that shampoo all up in the crack and then vacuumed it all dry. The effort took most of the smell out, but there was still a hint of stench in the air. We stopped by a CVS to pick up a couple items, and I found some different car fragrances at the drug store. There was one called “Tropical Moment,” but I wasn’t convinced that a mere moment would overpower the smell that had possessed my car for so many moments already. There were also 3-packs of those dainty smelly things you hang on the rear-view mirror of the car for 50 cents cheaper. I wasn’t completely sold yet. I went back to the tropical device and thought to myself, “Self, if you purchase this bit you’re going to have to run the air conditioner to get bring that ‘Tropical Moment’ alive . . . it is 50 degrees outside!” I decided not to splurge for the moment. In the middle of this conundrum I spotted a spray promising to kill the bacteria causing the stench in my car. I was sold! It was the same price as the rear-view mirror smelly thingy. Andrew bought candy (I don’t know if that was relevant, but I thought I would throw that in there). Before Andrew jumped in the car with his candy, I decided to spray the beast down with this special spray. Now instead of smelling like the inside of a bad baby diaper it smelled like the inside of a bad baby diaper changing room. Hopefully this was a step in the right direction. We will find out in the morning.

All this to say if I knew this would be such a mess before I made the eggnog, I still would have done it. People enjoyed it. Granted I would have done a few things differently in hindsight, but it was a positive overall. I hope you enjoyed reading this story as much as I enjoyed living it. Enjoy spending the holidays with family and close friends, even if you have to spill a bit of eggnog in the back seat to make it happen.

Grace and Peace,
Josh

I really believe God is leading me down a road to rethink a ton of what some may consider “core” boundaries and values. I don’t think it is up to me to define these things; I do think it is up to God to influence our hearts to move these things around in an organic way (by organic I meant to say in a way that grows over time with maturity). God is the one thing I can rely on to change me into the kind of person who can rely on me. In a day where terms like “open theism” and “relativism” are buzz-words, I’ve got to find some solidarity. Instead of, however, praying for God to help me establish my opinions on issues, I’m going to pray for God to change the core of my heart to allow growth of the good stuff and death to the bad stuff. Homosexuality, abortion, social justice and economic stability are only echoes of the big problem. I need to make sure the intention of my heart is in the right place; here I am going to take an issue God has been dealing with me and show you what I’m talking about.

Generosity. A buddy of mine posted his facebook status “generosity is not just measured by what you give, but also by how you react when things you have are taken from you involuntarily” (that wasn’t the exact quote, but work with me here). I love my iPod and my laptop, but if these things were stolen from me how would I react? This stuff I utilize and value so much is not where I put my happiness and hope. In fact, stuff really can’t be a place anything can be placed besides more stuff. I need to learn how to place my affections in things that are not biodegradable, and I’m not talking about Styrofoam. If I place my affections in God and in people, my purchases and budget will reflect those values.

In all honesty, a general focus on love, prayer and devotion have changed my view on many issues. Maybe I shouldn’t say they’ve changed my views, but helped me realize what the true issues are. Before approaching any of these subjects we have got to realign our hearts and thoughts with Jesus’. Rowan Williams said this on the topic of homosexuality in the church: 
I don't believe inclusion is a value in itself. Welcome is. We don't say 'Come in and we ask no questions'. I do believe conversion means conversion of habits, behaviors, ideas, emotions. The boundaries are determined by what it means to be loyal to Jesus Christ.

What does it mean to be loyal to Jesus Christ? Love God, and love everybody. When I work toward these goals, everything else comes into line. What does this look like? John Gill put it well by saying, “in like manner should men love their neighbors, in things temporal do them all the good they can, and do no injury to their persons or property; and in things spiritual pray for them, instruct them, and advise as they would their own souls, or their nearest and dearest relations.” I have never thought to pray, instruct and advise people as I would my own soul. I have roamed downtown and the various lakes around town searching for solace and comfort for myself, but I have never thought to put that same effort to seek those things for others. I have never thought to sit someone down and pray and delve and struggle through their life issues in the same method I do my own. In all this mumbo jumbo, I am trying to point the controversy back to Jesus. Instead of defining and chiseling our opinions to judge others we should allow love to form our opinions for us.

Grace and Peace,
Josh

I feel I’m destined for loneliness
So what can I do
Some days I’m lost and not found by love
What can I say

But the wind will be my comforter
And the moon will be my guide
And the water on the lakeshore
Will chatter by my side
And the trees will be my confidant
And the ducks will know my voice
I will not be lonely
As long as the sky fills me with hope

The tears run down my face
my heart no longer quakes
Suddenly everything I have is not my own
My soul is filling up with love
that runs much deeper than my blood
that helps me be a different man
than the lonely messed up fool I’ve been
than the one who was use to hurt within

I remember the hard times
But now I know what hope looks like

I had a bit of a rough weekend. All that aside, I am learning more and more every day about what balance looks like in my life. In this pursuit, I was drawn to Rich Mullins. That's right, Rich Mullins. I don't know how many of you guys know this guy, but hit him up in wikipedia. His songs were some of the first that ever touched my heart as a young teen and even adult. I decided to go ahead, break down, and add some of his lyrics to the note here. If you get a chance, download the raw version of this song and realize it was recorded on a cassette tape in an abandoned church only a few days before he died in a car wreck over 10 years ago.

Enjoy,
Josh


Hard to Get
Rich Mullins

You who live in heaven 
Hear the prayers of those of us who live on earth 
Who are afraid of being left by those we love 
And who get hardened in the hurt 

Do you remember when You lived down here where we all scrape 
To find the faith to ask for daily bread 
Did You forget about us after You had flown away 
Well I memorized every word You said 

Still I'm so scared I'm holding my breath 
While You're up there just playing hard to get 

You who live in radiance 
Hear the prayers of those of us who live in skin 
We have a love that's not as patient as Yours was 
Still we do love now and then 

Did You ever know loneliness 
Did You ever know need 
Do You remember just how long a night can get? 
When You were barely holding on 
And Your friends fall asleep 
And don't see the blood that's running in Your sweat 

Will those who mourn be left uncomforted 
While You're up there just playing hard to get? 

And I know you bore our sorrows 
And I know you feel our pain 
And I know it would not hurt any less 
Even if it could be explained 

And I know that I am only lashing out 
At the One who loves me most 
And after I figured this somehow 
What I really need to know 

Is if You who live in eternity 
Hear the prayers of those of us who live in time 
We can't see what's ahead 
And we cannot get free of what we've left behind 
I'm reeling from these voices that keep screaming in my ears 
All the words of shame and doubt blame and regret 

I can't see how You're leading me unless You've led me here 
Where I'm lost enough to let myself be led 
And so You've been here all along I guess 
It's just Your ways and You are just plain hard to get

God has been doing a major work in my heart over the past few years in the issue of love. I've hurt people in the past and people have hurt me, but God has taught me through the pain the value of a tremendous friend. I want to be that friend to so many people. I've realized I cannot be everybody's close friends and compadre, but God really does help me to love those who I am close to already. I hope you guys enjoy the lyrics here. I heard a Jeff Black b-sides song that this will be very similar to. It will be a raw guitar or piano song with quite a bit of soul (if I can produce much soul. . . that is a good point):

I’ll be your friend
I’ll be your brother
I’ll be your strength
In times of need
I’ll hold your hand
In times of struggle
I will not let
Not let you down

When the world has torn your soul
I will lift your head
Come share with me your struggles
I will not let
Not let you down
I will not let
Not let you down

I’ll be there in
The bright blue mornings
I’ll be there in
The scary nights
I’ll try my best
To be your brother
I will not let
Not let you down

When the world has torn your soul
I will lift your head
Come share with me your struggles
I will not let
Not let you down
I will not let
Not let you down

Grace and Peace,
Josh

So I decided to journal on my blackberry at Lake Morton. I love it out here! It is like 2 blocks from the apt, and I just happen to see a shooting star on the way down. Amazing! So I've been dealing with trust lately. I started sharing some of my ideas with some buddies about trust. I talked to them about how people don't trust others with being the realistic, broken, and incomplete people they really are. I looked at him and told him we need to be the instruments of change. We need to be the folks who seek out the big issues in our own lives and become worthy of peoples trust. We need to allow God to unearth the madness within our hearts so we come closer to having the capacity of love we were originally intended. 

After dealing with those issues we need to take the time to allow others to warm up to us. People have barriers protecting their hearts for a reason. It is not my place to storm their temple, but it is my place to go through all the proper cleansing ceremonies to enter into their lives and hearts when the doors open. This is especially difficult for me. I am learning trust takes time. Most of the quick friendships I have made over the past few months were right and well intended, but they did not have the foundations of time and trust. Those tend to fall away as quickly as they were built. Granted, people are going to let you down, and I have let down people. With more time and deeper trust, however, any issue can be worked out in time and right intention. Right intention. That is part of this cleansing process. Without right intention things fail. I've seen myself make this mistake. I will become friends with somebody to obtain some item or feeling of accomplishment. Those fail. I am not making myself a trustworthy person in this case. If I make it into their circle of trust I will be defiling it. After I'm done doing whatever it was I tried to accomplish they build up more and stronger resistance to trust in their hearts.

There is so much more to talk about this issue, but I need to walk back to the apt; it is getting far too cold for my pullover to keep me and my fingers warm.

Grace and Peace,
Josh

Life has a hellish tendency. Whoever believes in the idea that good things happen to those who do good things must have been high when they arrived at this conclusion. Good things happen to bad people; bad things happen to good people. That’s just the way things work. My question is what is our response to these bad things? Why does all this crap happen to good people or well intended folks? Where does God fit into this picture?

It was funny how I never intended on dealing with this issue. This issue found itself in my life. I was pondering what to read on a particular day, and for some reason I thought of the book of Job. I had no idea what I was looking for in this story so I decided to read it just to read it (if that makes any sense whatsoever). It goes through this process where this great guy goes through life doing only good things and became very successful in every which way. Suddenly everything in his life falls to pieces through a series of uncontrollable events. We then find Job trying to understand all that was going on and Job’s buddies trying to help him justify why this great loss took place. Job’s buddies continue to accuse Job of doing wrong and this is a repercussion for the wrong he has done; Job has done no wrong! He sits here in mourning having to defend his innocence to his closest friends (sounds like great friends). Job says nothing but honest insight into God and reveals the raw anguish and thoughts going through his head. He indeed misses those things he was emotionally connected to (granted I would feel the same way if I had lost my entire family). Then a stranger shows up and sets these guys straight, and he throws down raw and uncensored. The boy has nobody to impress. He tells these guys that they can’t fit God and His ways into a regular man’s way of thinking. He said this is not a reaction to Job’s sin as a man would do to another man if he was done wrong. He then shoots down the whole idea of Job being punished for doing wrong and calls Job ignorant to his own lack of innocence. Then Job is approached by God with these thoughts and questions. God goes through this long dramatic poem of the creation of the sea and the heavens and the animals of the earth. Job asks for forgiveness of his pride, and God responds with a demand, not of Job, of Job’s friends. He tells them to bring sacrifices to bring to Job so Job could present forgiveness for them at the altar because they have not spoken accurately of God. They were attempting to speak on God’s behalf and totally confusing Job. Granted Job shot down everything they had to say, but they said some pretty whack stuff in attempting to comfort him. Take a few things away from this story. Think about how you respond to difficult times, and remember there is always a time where you can set aside the craziness in your mind once things settle down like what God offered Job at the end of this story. Also be careful the advice you give to friends going through these difficult times. Try to be more like the mysterious man than the friends of Job who were just trying to fill in space with their words.

Regardless, my thoughts are starting to escape me. I need to get some sleep. I have a full day’s work in the morning! I totally forgot. Tell me what you guys think of this story and share your reflections of Job and his friends. Check the story out and read it for yourself. There is a ton going on here.

Grace and Peace,
Josh

Today is going to be a busy day. I feel like, however, everything is going on around me, and I am just sitting here thinking about the past. I think about all the stories of the people around me. I think about all their struggles and all their failures. I also think about their small and silent victories.

There are very few constants in this life. I have moved from place to place, school to school, and friend to friend, but one thing has been around for a majority of my life: The kitchen table. My family didn’t get nice things back in the day, but one evening I remember my parents excitement when the table had been delivered. We were in Virginia Beach at the time, and some of the neighbors helped us piece the thing together. It was a heavy (to a young boy it was) light wood with blue painted borders and a heavy coat of lacquer all over the top. It came with four chairs and a bench. We have broken bread with many a person around that table. Many conversations were held around that very table. I have even cried many a tear there, but I wonder how it has lasted this long. I remember the thing almost breaking. We moved from Virginia to California to Florida with the thing, and it is still in decent shape. I really do feel like it stands as a symbol of stability to a life that would otherwise be pure and total chaos.

Today I look at the table and remember those years. My sister is getting married; it is hard not to reminisce. She was such a young girl back when we first got the thing, and now she is gettin’ hitched. I only wish her the best. I also look forward to the many memories we have yet to fulfill at the table we have spent so much of our lives living around.

Grace and Peace,
Josh

It is so funny how I tend to use the high times in my life to evaluate where I am and where I’m going in life. It is also funny how I use these times to test my character. I see when times are hard, it is easy for me to be the good Christian guy who battles on in faith, but something happens when times aren’t so tough in my heart. I think I like the resistance. It makes me feel human, and it makes me feel stronger after the fact. I’ve spent the past couple days (and will continue on this path) of evaluating who I am as a person. I like who I am and who God has blessed me to be, but where have I gone wrong from that vision he has for my life. Where am I lacking balance? So I’ve isolated myself a small bit to pray on these things and let the answers come by the prompting of God. Today while driving, I finally heard a voice of clarity! It was telling me to embrace the heart of Jesus; that almost seemed to “simple” for me. I’ve been spending the past few months delving into Christ’s life, death, and resurrection (I have yet to journal on the resurrection yet, not the right time I guess), so all this made sense to me now. The more I focus on love and loving people the more my faults and shortcomings disappear. It is through the divine influence of God to break my bad habits and replace them with good ones. I have also noticed that God doesn’t want me to live some boring life where I lose my personality in the mix. He wants me to be me! I have started to notice, however, some topics I bring up far too often in conversation. It is almost like that same guitar lick that I resort to whenever I can’t quite hear my amp well enough when playing in a loud room. I know this conversation is safe because I’ve walked through it so many times before. I know this joke works because I have told it so many times before. I’m not abolishing humor or retiring from comedy (Office joke!), but I am trying to live in right balance so I have a greater capacity to love people. Just like that song in the prior blog stated, I want to love without conditions and apprehensions. I want to be the brother to mankind that God has called “me” to be (on a side note “that God has called ‘me’ to be” was very much intentional). I am willing to risk many things I hold dear in order to obtain this, and God will show me those things in the time to come. Kinda scary to think about, but I think I’m ready. Let me end this:

Father let me dedicate all this life to Thee
In whatever worldly state Thou would have me be
Not from sorrow, pain or care freedom dare I claim
This alone shall be my prayer, “Glorify Your Name”
Can a child presume to choose where or how to live
Can a father’s love refuse all the best to give
Let my glad heart while it sings Thee in all proclaim
And whatever the world may bring glorify Your name!

Grace and Peace,
Josh

So maybe I've gotten things wrong over the years. I don't think God intended us to live in some high and lofty place separating spiritual and physical in an attempt to reach a new perspective on reality. Maybe the sun beating on my body as I sit on a bench sitting at lake mirror is true reality. I'm pretty sure a burn victim or a patient with an incurable disease has to face the facts of this truth in a very painful way, but what about the first time mother or father holding their baby or a guy taking a girl out on a first date? Do you often find yourself asking if this is really happening? Do you notice the grandmother playing on the side walk with her grandson or the mother holding her son's hand? Look at their faces as they bask in the reality of this moment. It is equal parts spiritual and physical. Wait. I dare say there is no separation there. It is like they are living in a single moment the way God intended in the first place. 

Throughout history mankind has made attempts to reach out to a greater reality. The Tower of Babel. Numerous religions and philosophical ideals. Great wars and genocides. I think many of these attempts have missed the voice screaming in the distance that there is something sitting right in front of them. Reality is here! We don't need to escape from this physical world we currently eat, sleep, breath, love, and hate in. We need to enjoy the breeze drifting over the lake or the rattle of the train passing by or even the warmth of a pet or loved one's embrace.

This is not a dismissal of God, but more a refocus. I don't think God would create anything to be disconnected from the environment around it. I think Christians should be more in tune with their physical surroundings. There is so much hope I have as a Christian concerning the future, but I don't turn my back on the present or brush off every struggle in my life just thinking it doesn't matter in the end. It does matter! I love the fact that I have depth of emotion. That comes with positives and negatives. I have to learn how to rejoice in my glad times and the times when I can't pay my bills or the times when my best friend is struggling. When my buddy comes up to me and tells me there life is out of balance I don't fish around for details to see if they have committed some unforgivable act to make sure they are still going to make it into heaven if they die right here and now, instead I rejoice in their honesty and see what I can do to help them rejoice with me. Reality is the here and now! Jesus said God's kingdom is at hand. I don't usher in God's kingdom by telling them how hot hell can get (although God can use these means); I usher in God's kingdom by loving people here and now. This is the reality in which I live!

Grace and Peace,
Josh

We can’t always get along. I have such a strong desire to build community and a sense of family with everyone around me, but some days I feel alone and depressed when surrounded by the family I have worked so hard to help build (not saying I’m the originator of a community, but more of a co-builder). I forget that despite our glorious and innocent intentions we are all people who make mistakes and feel different from day to day based on the random events of our lives. Sometimes a well intended friendship turns into something much more than it should have been. Deep feelings lead to a sense of family which could lead to something “deeper” (I’m still not fond of that terminology). Next thing you know, you lose that very sense of family you set out to find. A friendship, which should have been just that, has turned into an intricate plan to take over the world. . . or at least somebody’s deep affections. Now the community runs the risk of becoming political instead of organic. I’m not saying this is a bad thing, but what I am trying to accomplish is acknowledge the issue and see how we can address it.

Jesus addressed this issue (go figure). He looked at his buds and asks what they talked about during a walk between towns. . . Silence followed . . . they were kinda embarrassed about the fact they were trying to figure out who was the tightest with Jesus. He looked at them and told them to chill and instead of trying to be the bestest of best friends with him they should serve others. I like this approach. I find myself being given more responsibility when I serve than when I try to be buddy buddy with those in rank above me.

In a real world, we are driven by real issues like a deep need to belong to a group of people or a sense of security or even a desire to make babies. I don’t think it is wrong to accept these truths, but they need to be balanced correctly. When you desire for wealth overwhelms a person there is less room for community in their life. When making babies (if you only knew the face that I make when I type that term “making babies”) becomes out of balance, security and community could easily be destroyed or dismissed. When a desire to build community becomes a chore you can easily sacrifice the baby making and the money making for others (which I know many a great person to accomplish, not my personal route). I think Jesus wanted us to figure out we can gain all the things we really need when we live in this balance, and the best way to find this balance is to love all people in whatever capacity fits you best.

The politics of dancing
The politics of ooh feeling good
The politics of moving, aha
If this message is understood

Grace and Peace,
Josh

I’ve been exploring Jesus lately. I’ve been trying to strip away most of my preconceived notions and view Jesus in his historical context and how his name has been echoed over the centuries. The next step in my heart was to try and explain this story’s impact on my life and in the lives of so many people in a way that made sense to any average Metilda or Bruce on the side of the road. Here is what I have come up with in this season of my life: My Liberator!

In Jesus’ time everybody was awaiting a said, “Messiah.” This person was going to set the Jewish people free of political and religious (remember, in those days political was religious. . . secular was spiritual. . . the Jewish laws dictated their lives). There were a few political messiahs, but Jesus tried to do something a bit deeper than those Messiahs. Like a bugle call before an epic battle, the message of Jesus was that of liberation from political oppression, religious oppression, and life oppression! He spoke of times to come where people would be valuable in the eyes of their God. Jesus spoke of a God who would not let them walk through life alone, but would comfort His people like a warm blanket fresh out of the dryer. Jesus, unlike the other messiahs of his day, was not going to prove this politically. This was difficult for some of the people of his day. Jesus was going to set people free in a deeper way. He was going to liberate people for all time: past, present, and future!

When I think of Jesus, I think of Jesus Christ, Jesus the Messiah, Jesus my Liberator (all these terms mean the same thing)! He was the one who showed me how to live a life that was well balanced and full of peace, faith, and love towards all people (even those who would try to kill me). The thought of Jesus and His story (the Gospel in Christian jargon) makes me aware of how people feel about their lives. It was likened to an awakening from a death-like sleep. I suddenly have a deep yearning for those around me and the state of their lives. I want to be like Jesus and show others what it is like to live such a balanced life that has global implications. The crazy thing is I don’t want the fame for living such a life. I’m pretty sure I would suck all that applause up and take the credit. I want to point back to the story that liberated my soul to action. Jesus my Liberator!

I pray that the depth of these words pierce your soul and cause you to search out this story yourself from a different perspective.

Peace,
Josh

I couldn’t imagine being a first century Jew. My life would have one constant theme of God, religion, politics, and life. . . it was all the same to these people, there was no separation. There were political and religious zealots that have carried my people through these hard times with tenacity and harsh words against the Romans. There were also these political and religious sticklers that taught and interpreted the laws of old. They weren’t much for zealotousness (work with me here) but were still very anti-Roman empire. Everybody was against the government, but nobody was accomplishing much; the Romans had their stuff together. They ruled the world!

Jesus had this conversation with the disciples about this very subject. He looked at these people and asked them who they thought he was. One guy speaks up and declared Jesus to be the one who would liberate them from “the man” (I know it’s a stretch, but that really is what he said). Jesus put a little gold star by the man’s name on the goodie board. Then Jesus tells the folks he’s going back to Jerusalem to get thrown in prison, flogged, and die the worst of all deaths. This makes no sense. How can the very man that was to set them free from Roman oppression (and to them all oppression for all time) be thrown in prison, flogged, and die the worst of all deaths? He should be getting some funds together to purchase some tanks, bazookas, and some good old American-made nuclear weaponry (ha, ha, ha, ha. . . had to throw that one in there)! The same guy who declared Jesus the liberator says he would never let that happen. Jesus busts out the ruler and thwarts the guy on the proverbial hand. Jesus was trying to tell them he had a much greater purpose than temporary political oppression. Jesus came to change the deep rooted thinking process of the time. He wanted to show them there was a way to stand up for what you believe in without attacking by a physical force but instead attack with a loving and well-balanced life. He didn’t want them to back down from political tension, but he didn’t want them to start lashing out with harsh words or arms. The only documented physical force Jesus used against anyone was not the oppressive empire, but against the political and religious sticklers who were abusing the laws of old (these laws were not like today’s laws, they told people what to eat or not eat or even when to plant seed or not plant seed. . . every aspect of their lives were based on these laws these few men had the “right” to interpret).

I guess all I’m getting at is this message of Jesus and the great declaration Peter made in the gospel of Jesus being the Christ and Son of God might have been a bit misunderstood. Maybe there is a deeper implication here or a deeper message to be heard and delved in to. Maybe there is a better way to settle a dispute of oppression without kicking somebody in the crotch. Did the Paul ever kill any of the Roman guards or civic leaders when he was thrown in prison or flogged? He did accept the punishment dealt to him, and he even found a way to turn that frown upside-down by channeling the pain into hope and joy. That takes me a few more places that would be better left for another time. . . another time. . .

Think about it! Pray about it! Test the waters, and tell me what you think.

Peace,

Josh

I feel like I am repeating myself.

Not that repetition is a bad thing, but for the last 2000 years I feel like I have been repeating myself. I feel like I have been stuck in the same jargon and the same circle of thought forever. I speak a language that is only natural because my surroundings. There are quite a few people who don’t understand what I say or talk about. There are a lot of people who don’t know what I am talking about now. . .

I’m talking about first century Christian. I know a ton of people who talk it, but I wonder how other people thing about what they are saying. I speak of a grace, but what does that mean to somebody else. When I say washed in the blood, this statement might be a bit peculiar to some (although it might be cool to watch a movie with a blood bath!!!! That’s hardcore!). I hate the fact that I am stuck with first century clichés to explain the deep yearning in my soul for people. I hate that I have a problem communicating to people who don’t have a bit of interest in God, people who have no desire to go to a Sunday school class.

I was approached with a thought the other day that I didn’t quite agree with. For years I’ve heard, “the message never changes, but the methods do.” I heard somebody say the message had to change. Maybe I should go and preach and make disciples and baptize? Maybe I should go and talk to people and create a family of friends and love them. The heart and soul of what Jesus did all those years ago is still alive in all we live and breathe, please don’t misunderstand me. I’m just curious to see what this looks like today. I’m sure it takes on many different forms; there are so many different people on the face of the planet. I heard Rich Mullins say that if you took what every Christian movement from every country in the world that every verse in the Bible would be underlined. So why must I be stuck with what I’ve been taught since I was born? Why must I be set to think what a church looks like? Why must I be set to think what a “real” Christian fellow or fellowess looks like? Granted there are some things that are blatant and obvious. Actions should be immersed in love for community and God; actions should also be agreeable to what resources we have access to today (the Bible, teachings from theologians, mistakes and success made by others in the past).

I’m just tired of being stuck. I’m ready to learn. I’m ready to learn a new language. I’m ready to think differently then I think now (not leaving my thoughts and ideals altogether, but viewing things from an additional perspective).

I’m ready to awaken from the moonlit sky and find my sunrise!

Grace and Peace,
Josh

The moon’s so bright it casts a shadow
Here I find my rest
In the shelter of a palm tree
Near the apartment back door
Thinking about the shadows
Casted by the moonlight
Thinking about those dark shadows
Casted by the trees

Speak, O Darkness, Speak into a life
That finds some solace in your shadow
Speak, o bright reflection of the sun, speak
Into a soul that is gripped by fear
Say, o shadow, say
Where I can find my voice
Grant me peace
So my soul can rise again

In the morning

I’m watching her speak as she makes her claim
I cannot hear a word she’s saying
I’m watching her as she moves her mouth
I cannot find my peace in this place

I cannot find my peace here
I cannot find my peace here
I tried so hard but it’s not here to find
I cannot find my peace

Conversations
Played out in my mind
Conversations
Never made to existence
Conversations
Played out in fake life
Maybe this is unlike
Real conversation

There are a ton of times in my life where I feel honored to be a part of a moment. I just left Starbucks thinking about how big of an inconsiderate jerk I as all night, and walked out of my car towards the apartment to find a beautiful nightscape down at Lake Hollingsworth. I strayed from my typical route to the back door of the apartment to enjoy the moon and its reflection on the water. The scene was nothing short of amazing. There’s also this water bird in the water just a few feet away from me, unaware of my presence. Now the clouds are moving in covering the moon, and the reflection is gone. The clouds, however, seem to cause an odd glow about the sky around the moon, and the moons deflective brightness allows for a handful more celestial bodies to be seen. There appears to be a storm on the horizon, but the only affects I see are the sporadic flashes of lightning and the cool breeze originating from across the lake. Now the moon is completely blocked by the clouds, and somehow I’m picking up an internet connection from a nearby neighbor (kinda cool). Somehow I am a part of this moment. I am a part of this story in time. This second belongs to me and the birds and the clouds and the clouds and the stars. Even though I want to badly share this moment with somebody right now, I know it is not the proper season. Maybe next summer. Maybe next summer I can sit around and talk about this moment and how it made me whole. Maybe I can sit in full hindsight and reflect on how I learned honesty while still in kind, timely moderation (which would not have been the best use of words to explain my manner today). Maybe next summer I’ll be set, but wasn’t I hoping for that two summers ago or three summers ago. Was I? I honestly don’t think I was. I don’t think I had a big future to look forward to. I knew my heart beat for a purpose, but maybe I was more intrigued about the simple fact that it was still beating. Now, however, I look to the future with expectation. Not in a way that I miss this moment that I’m enjoying, but in a way that directly involves this moment I’m enjoying. Kinda cool to think about. I think I’m off to sleep know. Go enjoy some kind of moment with somebody. If not this summer, maybe next summer.

Grace and Peace,
Josh

 A bit of confusion, I find myself unrest
So I think about a concrete path.
I think about every excuse to keep me in this place
I think about a book or some type of guest to call,
But I hear a voice beckoning me to take a walk down a concrete path.

I muster up my strength and tighten up my bag.
I think of how absurd I appear,
But I cannot find my peace anywhere else
Besides this concrete path.
I walk down the street I’ve driven down many a time.
The crickets chirping cause my pace to drag.
I walk until I have no thought besides this concrete path.

I pass a couple strangers as they smoke a cigarette.
I try to nod at them as I pass.
They pay no attention to my gesture as I walk down this concrete path.
I see along the ground much garbage.
I don’t understand how people are so careless about this concrete path.

I’ve finally reached my journey’s end,
But only to realize I must begin again
Back towards my initial location on the other side of this concrete path.
On the way back I have an epiphany
I write it down in the back of my brain
To think about at a later time so I can enjoy this concrete path.

I have really enjoyed this moment of solitude.
I have finally found peace once again upon my soul.
I owe it to my guiding Spirit who called me to walk down that concrete path.

I love people!

I love to hang out with people and get to know them and what causes them to act the way they do. Every once in a while, however, I go a bit too far than my heart can handle. I’ll put an extra bit of effort that causes me to feel drained and unrest. In these moments, I have a tendency to try and find wholeness in my own way (which typically is not a good thing). After I have finally gotten over the failure I produce, I find a different way to find that peace that I lose when I exert myself. It is never the same method. Sometimes I fast and pray. Sometimes I watch a movie or a video game. Sometimes I read or write. Today it involved taking a little walk. It wasn’t a little walk; it was about an hour long walk. At first I didn’t want to do it since I didn’t have the proper shoes or even socks (really the lack there of), but I strapped on my backpack and took off.

It was difficult at first. I find it troubling to quite my mind. There are so many things I want to say to so many people, and it overwhelms me. When I finally muster up the strength and clarity to offer advice or even compliments, my mind can’t help but to wonder what they thought about what I had to say or how it has affected their day or lives. I also wonder if what I have said has been phrased wrong. Did I say what needed to be said in a way to where they understand and feel the emotion I was attempting to personify? I also can’t help but to think about them many philosophical thoughts rolling around in my head. Today it was about how I believe every person has a bit of advice/perspective/life experience to help others. Somebody else’s strengths or weaknesses can align with somebody else’s strengths and weaknesses to create a better community. I think this has a very Biblical overtone to it. I’m pretty sure that’s called the Church, but I kinda left this thought right there. I took this walk to relieve myself from thought, and this wasn’t the way to go about it.

The poem pretty much tells you the rest of the story. I’ve never really written a poem before. It’s pretty raw, and takes a bit to develop a meter, but I’m happy with it. I need to roll off to sleep now. I pray that all of you find the peace you desperately need. It might help to walk it off or run it off or sleep it off or maybe even talk it off. Just be keen to God’s nudge in the proper method for whatever season in your life you are in. He really does know best.

Grace and Peace,
Josh

So I have just had the best muffin I’ve ever had in my life! I didn’t expect it from a place I spent six or seven years of my life. I am speechless!

Aside from that, I check out my church in Marianna yesterday. It was a bit of a surprise for them and for me. I wanted to surprise my parents for father’s day, but I also wanted to explore what exactly it was about that church on the outskirts of this small city that makes it so great and attractive. I wanted to view it from a different perspective.

When I walked in the doors I was greeted and directed by a man who had only been to the church a month or two before I left for Lakeland. He and his wife were involved and excited to greet people into their gathering place! How exciting! When people started to recognize me, I got many different reactions. Most people greet with the high pitched, “Oh, Josh! Wow, you look good! What is that on your face?” One particular buddy of mine I greeted with a hug from the back. He had no idea I was coming to town; when he looked back to see who was doing this to him, he got all excited and gave me a huge hug. Out of nowhere I was picked up by another guy who swung me in many circles. Then he rubbed my face for good luck (people just can’t keep their hands off the beard . . . maybe this could be a good thing!). I looked around and saw the usual faces, but they were not alone. Most of the usual faces brought new faces, new people with new stories and new problems.

Worship was first on the order of service. It was a great, heartfelt expression of adoration toward God. Between worship sets there were the usual video announcements (well pretty unusual for most churches). Right after announcements was “family time.” This was when the entire sanctuary went from an organized group of people not straying from their seats into this huge blob of hand shaking and conversation. Pastor found me during this time and shared in the new tradition of rubbing my sacred facial hair.

The sermon was articulate and excellent. God’s word was expressed to His people in a manner that spoke to them. It was convicting and easily understandable. There was no loftiness of theological terminology to completely baffle the masses of one man’s understanding of scripture. It did, however, challenge the masses to change (more specifically change the way they pray in this service). After the sermon, people were invited to pray with the board members and staff about their struggles and frustrations. It was beautiful!

I can’t say that I could view the service without recalling the years and years I spent in this community. At one point I looked around for a specific person who I admire and pray for constantly. I saw him, and began to cry. I started to question God in my mind about why He lets some stay in the same struggle for years and years. I wanted to know why God didn’t just come through and liberate this man from his environment. Right after my mind had come to rest we began to sing a song about Jesus’ sacrifice at the cross. It was a story of grace and mercy. It contained the story of forgiveness and how a life can be so messed up and twisted can be straightened up and drawn to a new way of thinking and living. It was an amazing moment.

All and all it was a good visit. There were a few bumps in the road . . . but that is a different story altogether. It seems as if no trip to Marianna has been without its craziness; that just makes life fun and exciting.

Peace,
Josh

Can I seriously be the change. . .

What does it look like? What does it feel like? What does it sound like? What does it smell like?
I’ll tell you what it tastes like. . . chocolate cake! That’s right, chocolate cake. I’m eating it right now, and it is good!

In all seriousness, I have been reading some books that have inspired me to change. The first and foremost would probably be the Bible. Great book! The second would be everything must change by Brian McLaren. I’m not much of an emergent movement fan, but the just of this book is well founded in Jesus’ Gospel message. He proposes that the Gospel was for the living more so than the dead. Being a “born again” believer does not mean that you simply get into heaven, but it does mean that you work to bring the Kingdom of God here to the current day. What does this mean or look like? I’m glad you asked!

A guy graduated school and needed to stay for a week while he got his new apartment in order. Some of my buddies know this guy and ask me if he can stay at my apartment. I trust these guys and welcome him with open arms. The two of us now have a deep and meaningful friendship, and he is currently returning the favor to me by letting me crash at his place while I get my living situation in order. Imagine two guys who have never met are now great friends practically overnight. This is a great example of God’s Kingdom here today. It is a personification of love and faith! I want to be able to provide a place for more guys in his situation. This is how I can be the change here and now. I don’t have to wait until I get into a position financially to give into some well intended ministry (although I still give into many well intended ministries), but I can offer people a practical service here and now.

“The Kingdom” could range from an intense effort to end poverty in your local city to doing something as simple as making somebody smile. We all must find exactly what we can offer our neighbors today. Everybody has something they can do. Do it! Have a conversation with a stranger (be wise who you talk to and what you say)! Take an overwhelmed friend out for a relaxing evening! Make an extra effort to send a buddy a text message that is encouraging or truthful! Don’t be afraid to put yourself out there! You might get hurt, but God offers healing for the broken hearted.

One more thing, let’s not do this for a few weeks or months. Let’s learn what it takes to create true long lasting friendships where you have fun, but you also hurt and get hurt together. Let’s live together! Good and bad. This is going down a bit of a different road altogether, so I won’t run down this rabbit trail.

Guys, I hope God inspires you to do something over the next few days that brings his kingdom here to the earth! Give somebody a piece of chocolate cake (unless they are lactose intolerant, then that would be a bad thing. . . or if they didn’t like chocolate. . . or if they were diabetic. . . you get the point)!

Peace,
Josh

I’m sitting down at work right now listing to the first song of summer and thinking about summer. I’m thinking about all the people I’ve met over the last season and how the new season is going to affect our respective friendships. Some of us have grown closer, some of us have grown further apart. I’m thinking about all the reading I’m set to do over the summer. I’ve recently purchased a couple Brian McLaren books and some on church history. I want to see what changes happened in respect to sociological changes. I’m thinking about where I’m going to live and work, and all these things are just floating up in the air slowly drifting to the ground in their own spectrum of time.

The one thing I do sense for certain is peace. I have peace that everything will come together in due time. I am overjoyed to have such a peace that makes no sense in my current situation.
Today I bid farewell to K-4 and the previous season and embrace whatever may come. I can’t wait to see what happens next!

Peace,
Josh

Imagine with me existence!

The process of becoming, being, and continuing to be.

I was driving away from the Panama City Starbucks [happiness and place of joy] thinking about an interaction in the Bible where a man approaches Jesus for wisdom. The texts doesn’t quite say that specifically, but that is what happens in the end. First he approaches Jesus and states he is a teacher who knows much more than he does. This man coming to Jesus is not a dumb man; in fact, he was more than just a well studied man, but scripture calls him a "ruler of the Jews" meaning he was the smartest of the smartest. This man was part of the elite. He was known to have sound knowledge of not just physical tangible things, but also heavenly things (pretty smart dude). He recognizes Jesus and calls him "Rabbi" or literally "Master." So he knows what he is getting into. Jesus looks at him and says very plainly in a language he can understand, "Hey man, you have got to see things from a new perspective in order for you to see the big picture." I know he didn’t say that exactly, but work with me here. . .

Jesus actually said that he must be "born again." This very intelligent guy could not wrap his head around that (I finally got that. . . wrap head around it. . . put it in your brain. . . it all makes sense now!), so he asks Jesus if he needed to call up mom and have a very peculiar chat with her. Jesus said, "not so much." He makes reference to "water" and "spirit."

"Water". . . in Genesis 1:2. . . the earth was formless and the Spirit hovered over it. . . our bodies are primarily water. . .

"Spirit". . . Essence. . . Thought. . . Intention. . . Vision of things beyond what you can put your hands on. . .

Essentially Jesus is speaking to this intelligent man in a way he could understand what it would be like to be a Christian. He still could not understand mainly because something was still missing in his life. . . the rebirth.

Birth is an interesting process. We spend only a fraction of our life in the birthing process, however, this is where we become whatever exactly it is we are. As we are becoming born, we have no perception of what is outside. I personally have no memories of birth, and I would like to meet someone who does (we would probably have interesting conversation on either side of the state hospital visiting area bars. . . that means they’re crazy). After we are born our minds open to what is around us. . . we are aware! We see there are greater things than the inside of wherever exactly we came from. As we grow up we gain a deeper understanding of life and just a hint of what goes on in this universe around us. Our perception changes over the course of our lives. We go from one perspective when we were a child to a completely different perspective as we grow older.

Jesus said he had to be "born again" before he could actually see and hear and feel and (fundamentally) perceive God! He had to be born physically (of water) and born spiritually (of spirit).

The smart guy still did not get it!

So Jesus says. . . alright, I understand you don’t get it, you’re not quite born spiritually yet so I’ll go ahead and show you the big picture. God sent me to allow you guys to perceive God. You are not alive spiritually, but by the time everything is said and done, I will make a way for you to be awakened and view your actions through my perspective. When you’ve come to that place. . . tell me what you think.

Jesus says here that people who love being dead to their actions (living in darkness) will despise me and people who are curious enough will want to do good and change their life and impact others much like what he did with that smart guy and some sick people and some failures and some prostitutes and soooo many others.

The terminology being "born again" simply invites the thought of a change of perspective: going from no thought at all to actually having thought (doesn’t make too much sense, but read on), going from darkness to light, going from living for yourself to living for something much larger. . bigger. . . grander. . . "God’s Kingdom". . . "God’s Will". . . your specific purpose for existence. . . or whatever you call it.

See you don’t truly exist spiritually until you live for your greater purpose, God’s greater purpose for your life!

Basically you are not even alive if you aren’t enlightened to this purpose.

Enjoy the thought

Peace,
Josh