Josh: The Blog

My Last Day of Sales
I couldn’t sleep; nope I couldn’t sleep a wink.
I awoke to the sound of a dim scratchy beep.
I couldn’t believe the time, but I had to get some gas.
It was my final work day working AT&T at last!
I ran down the stairs and jumped into my car.
I bolted out the driveway, but not very far.
I left my backpack at the house and had to get it fast.
I was late for my final work day working AT&T at last!
The day breezed by, I didn’t realize the time.
I handed in my key and cancelled my employee phone line.
I said my goodbyes and reminisced about the past.
I walked out of my final work day working AT&T at last!
My time at the company was enjoyable. I learned tons about my life and how to handle much responsibility. I learned and improved skill sets that I was lacking a couple years ago. Thanks to all the friends who listened to me gripe and complain and contemplate my years at the major cell phone provider. I know it is time to move on, and look forward to what is in my future at Southeastern University.
I need to go. Breakfast is ready!

Grace and Peace,
Josh

My eyes are a bit watery. I don't know if this is because I am sad or if it because it is 3 AM and I have yet to acrue enough hours to consider what I just did "sleep." There is a bench on lake hollingsworth halfway between Florida Southern Campus and Lake Hollingsworth Apartments that I will sometimes go for peace and solitude. Tonight, however, I decided to sit on the (what seems to be public) dock next to it. The moon is so bright, and the light breeze over the water makes the reflection distort and shimmer. It is a lovely sight. It almost looked like an arrow or finger stretched out toward me and calling me to remember what really matters. I remembered all of my friends who are in need of a miracle in their lives. I remembered their stories of struggle and desperation. I then paused to pray for them. 

"God, forgive me because sometimes I am so selfish that I forget them and their stories. Their hope is my hope. My hope is their hope. Emerse them with peace and balance. Comfort them with Your love and the love of their closest friends. May they rejoice in their time of struggle despite the tears of desperation. I pray they don't pick up destructive means of release, but instead lead them to a constructive habit. Help me to play my role in their lives rightly with patience and peace. Amen."

There are clouds passing over the moon now. I think I've figure out why I can't sleep. It was those terrible chicken wings from Zaxby's I ate tonight. I guess that is my cue to get out of here and back to the apt.

Grace and Peace,
Josh

I can’t remember the last time I shared a funny story about what is going on in my life. So here we go!

I decided to make eggnog from scratch for the Access Thanksgiving Bash since I was planning on being a couple hours late. The idea was well conceived: I had a dozen eggs, half gallon of milk, and heavy whipping cream. It wasn’t, however, well thought out. I spent that Thursday morning warming up the eggs and half of the half gallon of milk in a 4-quart pot. I did not think to look for nutmeg, a vital ingredient in the eggnog making process. I figured I would pick some up after work and add it later. This didn’t add the depth of nutmeg flavor I was looking for, but it was subtle enough to be appreciated. I got off work very early, and made a run for Publix for the missing ingredients then my apartment to finish assembling the masterpiece. First I added the nutmeg to the chilled egg/milk concoction then I needed to whip up some fresh whipped cream from the heavy whipping cream. I did not, however, have an electric mixer; I beat that cream by hand with a whisk . . . it was pretty intense. After a few minutes of beating the “ing” out of this whipping cream it was whipped, and I added it to the eggnog to top it all off. One thing I didn’t quite think out was transportation. How would I move the bowl of eggnog to the coffee shop down the street? My car of course! Not the best idea ever. About a quarter of the nog found its way into the crack of the back seat of my car. I also thought to myself, “Self, if nobody drinks this experiment how will it stay cool and not kill anybody.” I called my buddy Pete to pick up some ice cream to dump into the eggnog and keep it cool. All seemed to be working out alright (minus the mishap in the back seat of my car). I showed up late to the bash and was greeted by many awesome folks. I laid my drink down at the dessert table and started to make my way around the room greeting all my friends at their respective tables. Pete finally showed up with a pint of ice cream, and we both went to check out the status of my mix. It was gone! People figured out what in the world that odd looking bowl with whipped cream was and drank the whole thing before I could add the ice cream to it. I was stunned, shocked, surprised and pleased. I ended up giving the pint of ice cream to a couple as they left the feast.

Unfortunately, the story is not over. My previous attempt to clean the back seat of my car was not enough to actually “clean” the eggnog. Within a few days the mixture of rotten egg, spoiled milk and whipped cream went sour big time. I picked up some stain remover that was labeled to work on upholstery from the same Publix I got the nutmeg from. That stuff didn’t work one bit. I was now driving everywhere with my windows down and still trying not to gag on the smell of death emitting from the crack of the back seat of my car. I met my buddy Andrew at Lake Miriam Starbucks to think of a way to get that smell out, so we proceeded to a car wash down the street to shampoo and vacuum that mess out. He was kind enough to take care of the whole seat and did a great job getting that shampoo all up in the crack and then vacuumed it all dry. The effort took most of the smell out, but there was still a hint of stench in the air. We stopped by a CVS to pick up a couple items, and I found some different car fragrances at the drug store. There was one called “Tropical Moment,” but I wasn’t convinced that a mere moment would overpower the smell that had possessed my car for so many moments already. There were also 3-packs of those dainty smelly things you hang on the rear-view mirror of the car for 50 cents cheaper. I wasn’t completely sold yet. I went back to the tropical device and thought to myself, “Self, if you purchase this bit you’re going to have to run the air conditioner to get bring that ‘Tropical Moment’ alive . . . it is 50 degrees outside!” I decided not to splurge for the moment. In the middle of this conundrum I spotted a spray promising to kill the bacteria causing the stench in my car. I was sold! It was the same price as the rear-view mirror smelly thingy. Andrew bought candy (I don’t know if that was relevant, but I thought I would throw that in there). Before Andrew jumped in the car with his candy, I decided to spray the beast down with this special spray. Now instead of smelling like the inside of a bad baby diaper it smelled like the inside of a bad baby diaper changing room. Hopefully this was a step in the right direction. We will find out in the morning.

All this to say if I knew this would be such a mess before I made the eggnog, I still would have done it. People enjoyed it. Granted I would have done a few things differently in hindsight, but it was a positive overall. I hope you enjoyed reading this story as much as I enjoyed living it. Enjoy spending the holidays with family and close friends, even if you have to spill a bit of eggnog in the back seat to make it happen.

Grace and Peace,
Josh

I really believe God is leading me down a road to rethink a ton of what some may consider “core” boundaries and values. I don’t think it is up to me to define these things; I do think it is up to God to influence our hearts to move these things around in an organic way (by organic I meant to say in a way that grows over time with maturity). God is the one thing I can rely on to change me into the kind of person who can rely on me. In a day where terms like “open theism” and “relativism” are buzz-words, I’ve got to find some solidarity. Instead of, however, praying for God to help me establish my opinions on issues, I’m going to pray for God to change the core of my heart to allow growth of the good stuff and death to the bad stuff. Homosexuality, abortion, social justice and economic stability are only echoes of the big problem. I need to make sure the intention of my heart is in the right place; here I am going to take an issue God has been dealing with me and show you what I’m talking about.

Generosity. A buddy of mine posted his facebook status “generosity is not just measured by what you give, but also by how you react when things you have are taken from you involuntarily” (that wasn’t the exact quote, but work with me here). I love my iPod and my laptop, but if these things were stolen from me how would I react? This stuff I utilize and value so much is not where I put my happiness and hope. In fact, stuff really can’t be a place anything can be placed besides more stuff. I need to learn how to place my affections in things that are not biodegradable, and I’m not talking about Styrofoam. If I place my affections in God and in people, my purchases and budget will reflect those values.

In all honesty, a general focus on love, prayer and devotion have changed my view on many issues. Maybe I shouldn’t say they’ve changed my views, but helped me realize what the true issues are. Before approaching any of these subjects we have got to realign our hearts and thoughts with Jesus’. Rowan Williams said this on the topic of homosexuality in the church: 
I don't believe inclusion is a value in itself. Welcome is. We don't say 'Come in and we ask no questions'. I do believe conversion means conversion of habits, behaviors, ideas, emotions. The boundaries are determined by what it means to be loyal to Jesus Christ.

What does it mean to be loyal to Jesus Christ? Love God, and love everybody. When I work toward these goals, everything else comes into line. What does this look like? John Gill put it well by saying, “in like manner should men love their neighbors, in things temporal do them all the good they can, and do no injury to their persons or property; and in things spiritual pray for them, instruct them, and advise as they would their own souls, or their nearest and dearest relations.” I have never thought to pray, instruct and advise people as I would my own soul. I have roamed downtown and the various lakes around town searching for solace and comfort for myself, but I have never thought to put that same effort to seek those things for others. I have never thought to sit someone down and pray and delve and struggle through their life issues in the same method I do my own. In all this mumbo jumbo, I am trying to point the controversy back to Jesus. Instead of defining and chiseling our opinions to judge others we should allow love to form our opinions for us.

Grace and Peace,
Josh

I feel I’m destined for loneliness
So what can I do
Some days I’m lost and not found by love
What can I say

But the wind will be my comforter
And the moon will be my guide
And the water on the lakeshore
Will chatter by my side
And the trees will be my confidant
And the ducks will know my voice
I will not be lonely
As long as the sky fills me with hope

The tears run down my face
my heart no longer quakes
Suddenly everything I have is not my own
My soul is filling up with love
that runs much deeper than my blood
that helps me be a different man
than the lonely messed up fool I’ve been
than the one who was use to hurt within

I remember the hard times
But now I know what hope looks like

I had a bit of a rough weekend. All that aside, I am learning more and more every day about what balance looks like in my life. In this pursuit, I was drawn to Rich Mullins. That's right, Rich Mullins. I don't know how many of you guys know this guy, but hit him up in wikipedia. His songs were some of the first that ever touched my heart as a young teen and even adult. I decided to go ahead, break down, and add some of his lyrics to the note here. If you get a chance, download the raw version of this song and realize it was recorded on a cassette tape in an abandoned church only a few days before he died in a car wreck over 10 years ago.

Enjoy,
Josh


Hard to Get
Rich Mullins

You who live in heaven 
Hear the prayers of those of us who live on earth 
Who are afraid of being left by those we love 
And who get hardened in the hurt 

Do you remember when You lived down here where we all scrape 
To find the faith to ask for daily bread 
Did You forget about us after You had flown away 
Well I memorized every word You said 

Still I'm so scared I'm holding my breath 
While You're up there just playing hard to get 

You who live in radiance 
Hear the prayers of those of us who live in skin 
We have a love that's not as patient as Yours was 
Still we do love now and then 

Did You ever know loneliness 
Did You ever know need 
Do You remember just how long a night can get? 
When You were barely holding on 
And Your friends fall asleep 
And don't see the blood that's running in Your sweat 

Will those who mourn be left uncomforted 
While You're up there just playing hard to get? 

And I know you bore our sorrows 
And I know you feel our pain 
And I know it would not hurt any less 
Even if it could be explained 

And I know that I am only lashing out 
At the One who loves me most 
And after I figured this somehow 
What I really need to know 

Is if You who live in eternity 
Hear the prayers of those of us who live in time 
We can't see what's ahead 
And we cannot get free of what we've left behind 
I'm reeling from these voices that keep screaming in my ears 
All the words of shame and doubt blame and regret 

I can't see how You're leading me unless You've led me here 
Where I'm lost enough to let myself be led 
And so You've been here all along I guess 
It's just Your ways and You are just plain hard to get

God has been doing a major work in my heart over the past few years in the issue of love. I've hurt people in the past and people have hurt me, but God has taught me through the pain the value of a tremendous friend. I want to be that friend to so many people. I've realized I cannot be everybody's close friends and compadre, but God really does help me to love those who I am close to already. I hope you guys enjoy the lyrics here. I heard a Jeff Black b-sides song that this will be very similar to. It will be a raw guitar or piano song with quite a bit of soul (if I can produce much soul. . . that is a good point):

I’ll be your friend
I’ll be your brother
I’ll be your strength
In times of need
I’ll hold your hand
In times of struggle
I will not let
Not let you down

When the world has torn your soul
I will lift your head
Come share with me your struggles
I will not let
Not let you down
I will not let
Not let you down

I’ll be there in
The bright blue mornings
I’ll be there in
The scary nights
I’ll try my best
To be your brother
I will not let
Not let you down

When the world has torn your soul
I will lift your head
Come share with me your struggles
I will not let
Not let you down
I will not let
Not let you down

Grace and Peace,
Josh